Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
