Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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