we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
