I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
