I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
