final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My ass is underappreciated
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
