I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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