i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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