whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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