then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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