Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Randomize
