you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
