I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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