The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
