I think I won the penis lottery.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
