Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
