There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I want to make a zoo with you.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Randomize
