How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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