I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
thus making me awesome and them whores
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
