I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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