I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize