Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
