so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
