It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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