I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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