Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
