Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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