Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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