i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
They have beer where we have blood.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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