Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
