South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
