youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
