I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
