Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
