i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
