My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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