HIV tests are more positive than that guy
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
