God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
