I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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