There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just invented taco cereal.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
