Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
