your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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