I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize