I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
