I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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