my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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