my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
