the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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