I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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