Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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