Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
