Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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