I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
