blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize