based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
