I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
