The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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