even my farts smell like vagina
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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