You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
