i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
