we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
