you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
