oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Four minutes until I can fart!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
