her vagine was all disorganized.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
