Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
