I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
