i love accidental penises.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
