I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
you would pick up someone in the library
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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