Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
